What they say is true, "L" is for Love. But, did you know that before you can Love someone else, you need to Love yourself? That is what I'm struggling with at the moment. I'm 55, I've been single for 12 years now. Yes, by choice. I chose to put family and career first, but that's not the only reason. I don't like myself. Ok, that's not entirely true. I like myself, I HATE the way I look. I'm a genuinely good person, I'm just fat. Some say, you're not fat, you have fat. Either way you look at it, I'm fat. I have been for most of my life. I'm not going to apologize, I love to eat.... and exercise, well, it's not my favorite thing to do.
As you know, I'm on a self wellness journey. So far, I've lost 58 pounds. I have much more to lose. My fear is, that even as I lose more, the way I see myself won't change. Will I ever really like the way I look?
I have spent so many years being put down, not just by men but by friends and family. I was teased as far back as I can remember. I was always a chubby kid and the more I was teased, the more I ate.
Through the years, I have been abused in more ways than one, none of which I care to elaborate on. I was forced to experience things as a small child that NO child should ever have to live through. Eating, staying fat, was my way of pushing people away. If they didn't find me attractive, they wouldn't want me and I would be safe. Unfortunately, that's not how life works.
As I got older, started dating, I lost weight, had a few boyfriends. It was then that I realized that Men do like BBW. Some like them for the wrong reasons though. Again, back to the hurt again and the cycle of yo-yo dieting and hating the way I looked.
I remember a time I asked my ex husband why he loved me. The only reason he could give me was "You're the mother of my child." I don't ever recall a time when he told me I was pretty or I looked nice.
The last guy I dated 12 years ago said to me "You're not very easy on the eyes". So I asked him why he was with me. His response was "Ugly women take better care of their men." It was that day that completely changed the way I felt about him.
I once told a family member I was dating someone new. Their response was "He doesn't care your fat?"
How am I supposed to feel good about myself when this is how I've been treated all of my life?
So, this, all of this, is why I'm such a fucked up mess. How do I get past all of this?
I found a quote I would like to share
And I said to my body, softly "I want to be your friend." It too a long breath and
replied, "I've been waiting my whole life for this."
-Nayyirah Waheed
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