Love makes a house a home

 

Well, it’s almost official. I will be a homeowner next week. I started working on getting my credit report cleaned up last October. It took me a few months, but I did it. I’m buying the house that I am currently renting. It’s a three-bedroom ranch with huge fenced in back yard. It’s a small house but as my daughter says, it will be great for me when I retire. I sure don’t see that happening anytime soon. I will be glad to be out from under my “landlords” thumb. Those who know me will understand. The house needs a ton of work but I my daughter and I would rather do things the way WE want. Y’all know what I mean.

I have a ton of things to get off my mind but I’m not sure where to start and what to share. Maybe next time.  

They say "L" is for Love

What they say is true, "L" is for Love.  But, did you know that before you can Love someone else, you need to Love yourself? That is what I'm struggling with at the moment. I'm 55, I've been single for 12 years now. Yes, by choice. I chose to put family and career first, but that's not the only reason. I don't like myself.  Ok, that's not entirely true. I like myself, I HATE the way I look. I'm a genuinely good person, I'm just fat. Some say, you're not fat, you have fat. Either way you look at it, I'm fat. I have been for most of my life. I'm not going to apologize, I love to eat.... and exercise, well, it's not my favorite thing to do. 

As you know, I'm on a self wellness journey. So far, I've lost 58 pounds. I have much more to lose. My fear is, that even as I lose more, the way I see myself won't change. Will I ever really like the way I look?

 I have spent so many years being put down, not just by men but by friends and family. I was teased as far back as I can remember. I was always a chubby kid and the more I was teased, the more I ate. 

 Through the years, I have been abused in more ways than one, none of which I care to elaborate on. I was forced to experience things as a small child that NO child should ever have to live through. Eating, staying fat, was my way of pushing people away. If they didn't find me attractive, they wouldn't want me and I would be safe. Unfortunately, that's not how life works.

As I got older, started dating, I lost weight, had a few boyfriends. It was then that I realized that Men do like BBW. Some like them for the wrong reasons though. Again, back to the hurt again and the cycle of yo-yo dieting and hating the way I looked. 

 I remember a time I asked my ex husband why he loved me. The only reason he could give me was "You're the mother of my child." I don't ever recall a time when he told me I was pretty or I looked nice.  

The last guy I dated 12 years ago said to me "You're not very easy on the eyes".  So I asked him why he was with me. His response was "Ugly women take better care of their men." It was that day that completely changed the way I felt about him. 

I once told a family member I was dating someone new. Their response was "He doesn't care your fat?"

How am I supposed to feel good about myself when this is how I've been treated all of my life?

So, this, all of this, is why I'm such a fucked up mess. How do I get past all of this?

 I found a quote I would like to share

       And I said to my body, softly "I want to be your friend."  It too a long breath and 

       replied,  "I've been waiting my whole life for this."

                  -Nayyirah Waheed

  

                                

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Ok so I took longer than I planned.................

But I did make it back in a somewhat reasonable amount of time.   😆

So, lots of stuff going on and I do mean LOTS. Obviously, I can't write about everything today.

First and foremost, yes, I'm still on my diet (more of a lifestyle change). I eat anything I want, just in moderation. For once in my life, I'm not craving sweets like crazy which is huge for me. I LOVE chocolate. It's like a food group for me. My first real goal was to lose 55 lbs. by my 55th birthday. I will be 55 this coming Sunday and yes, I have made my goal. I'm not sure what my next goal will be but I do plan on continuing. I would like to lose at least another 50-60 lbs. (probably more), but one step at a time. I will just see how I feel. I would paste a before and after picture (so far) but I don't want my pictures on here for fear of anyone I know finding this blog.

I have more to share but I'm waiting on some news before I do. I will write more soon.

Better late than never......

Well, I've been a serious slacker. It's been well over two years since I have written a blog and I would like to change that today. I have a lot of time to cover, so much I want to write about for my own personal remembrance. Most will not make a difference or mean anything to anyone other than myself, but in reality, this is for Me.

I will start with yes; I gained back all of the weight I lost on WW and an additional 10 pounds. I will touch on that another day. 😭

I have to say, 2022 can kick rocks. It was a year of such great loss. In August, my daughter lost her best friend/cousin/confidant and my nephew at the age of 31 to Muscular Dystrophy. He was the most amazing human being she/I have ever known. They were born just a little over a month apart and I cant remember a time when they weren't side by side at family gatherings. They talked almost daily, messaged on Facebook, texted and were so very close. My daughter will forever struggle with the loss as the entire family will.

In September we lost our beloved cat Jack Jack. Most would say he was just a cat but oh no, Jack wasn't. He was so much more. He was my baby. He knew who momma and sissy were and what he could get out of each. He was the most beautiful Blue Russian and/or British short hair cat with mesmerizing eyes. He was only 2 years old and I don't know if I will ever get over losing him.  😿

To add to the hurt, two good friends took their own lives in 2022. I know there's times in our lives when we feel so low that we think that's the answer, but it's not. I know this personally because I remember a time when I thought that might be the answer for me. Even though life isn't what we dreamed of, suicide isn't the answer. Seek help, talk to a friend, family. Please, please, get help. I will close with two quotes I found. I think they say everything I cant. 

      “Your life is not over. Your life is important. Don't take your beauty from the world.” — Unknown 

      “Place your hand over your heart, can you feel it? That is called purpose. You're alive for a reason so don't ever give up.”— Unknown